Bi-polar.

And so my days will go by slow, and I will eat to fill the growing emptiness inside. The sun will one day shine on me and I'll find my path in life, but for now I'll stay lost and lick my wounds from this battle lost.

-Siiiiigh-

I hate writing; I always feel so... dumb.
But, it also feel good to have some form of escape other than alcoholism and chain smoking.

I keep reading back on that letter I received, wishing so hard I could have handled everything better. But, he's right. I'm a terrible, horrible person who is mentally ill and diseased and I don't deserve to be around people or have the care of others in my presence.

I've never been insulted over being bi-polar before. I can only assume it's because more people don't attribute my personality to such a disease, but, it was a pretty low blow. And an honest one. I'm naturally destructive of all things good. I'm like a much pettier version of an anti-christ. It's saddening. I'm not sure how to fix myself. I feel as if I'm killed myself trying to make myself better over the years and nothing but losing friends and family has come from it. If no matter what I do, I hurt the people I care about and either chase or push them away, what is it that I can even do? Live alone for the rest of my life? I just don't know what to do anymore.

It's like, as soon as things go well in my life, everything falls apart. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.
What a joke.