Toy.

A heart is not a play-thing, a heart is not a toy. But if you want it broken, just give it to a boy!

I think in my case, currently, it would be a girl, I.E. myself. But, for rhyming sake, we'll pretend I have a penis. You know, for the sake of artistic writings and nonsensically ramblings and letters to people who will never rea-

I'm off subject. And I've drank incredibly too much coffee... anyway.

I feel guilt rising up in my veins, bubbling like freshly poured soda, burning but still enjoyably as it rinses my insides with it's carbonated poisons. I can see you falling. You're falling very subtly and I catch glimpses of you trying to catch yourself, but ultimately failing. I've, innnocently enough, broken down your walls and infiltrated your defenses. I've broken you, as it was worded and I can see and smell your fear a mile away. The joy of having a toy to play with, the pain of inevitably breaking a heart.

In my defense, I put up a wall against this boy for fear that I would turn out to be less than his expectations had shown me to be. I feared that for all our common ground and understanding that he would reject me and he'd see me as nothing more than another girl in his long list of ex's.

The postsecret I saw months back stating "I wish we could have loved each other at the same time" has never made sense to me until now. I once fell for him, though maybe not necessarily love... I mean it in the sense that I felt as if I could have loved him, if we let it grown. But, my paranoia and his unpredictability destroyed that and I built myself up to where he could never break me down.

Now the tables have turned and I find it hard to think. I feel the twinge of joy at the idea that I have you right were I want you, as if I were some predator posing as a house cat. I almost feel like this is my revenge, though I know that's that evil wall I built talking. But, with how things have worked out with the Other, I find it hard to believe I can let myself walk down that path, so, I can only assume I'm subconsciously trying to save myself.

...I have a very strong feeling I'm going to read this tomorrow and be like "WTF was I talking about?"

...anyway. Guilt and Love.
Pain and Lust.
Strength and Weakness.

...I have completely lost my train of thought. I need a smoke.