Optimism.

It's not often I feel the need to write something positive in a blog of any sort. It's generally a place where my darker and deeper thoughts go to run around. But, it's also not very often you get to repeat a part of your life, but do it properly.

I got my job back at Cricket Communications, which is now under new management. I also got a new 1994 Chevy Silverado (C1500 series). This time last year, I was working at Cricket and just got a new car, but of course, things went south. I have a chance to repeat this and do it right. I have better pay, and more hours than I do at my current job, which I'm easily overjoyed to quit (mainly because I'm about to be fired as it is). And I start school Jan. 20th, and Cricket is willing to be flexible with my hours and give me plenty of time to handle both school and work. I'm very excited. With tax refund season coming soon, and the left over money from my financial aid, I should have enough money to pay my grandma back her 600 dollars, and have enough left over to get a laptop (finally). Things are looking up. I'll be seeing Bryan next week, and Christmas is only a few days away. Now, if I can only fix things with Matt, I'll be at 100%. And the best news of all, I don't feel like killing myself anymore, which, I know disappoints some people, but I think it's time for celebration!

Toy.

A heart is not a play-thing, a heart is not a toy. But if you want it broken, just give it to a boy!

I think in my case, currently, it would be a girl, I.E. myself. But, for rhyming sake, we'll pretend I have a penis. You know, for the sake of artistic writings and nonsensically ramblings and letters to people who will never rea-

I'm off subject. And I've drank incredibly too much coffee... anyway.

I feel guilt rising up in my veins, bubbling like freshly poured soda, burning but still enjoyably as it rinses my insides with it's carbonated poisons. I can see you falling. You're falling very subtly and I catch glimpses of you trying to catch yourself, but ultimately failing. I've, innnocently enough, broken down your walls and infiltrated your defenses. I've broken you, as it was worded and I can see and smell your fear a mile away. The joy of having a toy to play with, the pain of inevitably breaking a heart.

In my defense, I put up a wall against this boy for fear that I would turn out to be less than his expectations had shown me to be. I feared that for all our common ground and understanding that he would reject me and he'd see me as nothing more than another girl in his long list of ex's.

The postsecret I saw months back stating "I wish we could have loved each other at the same time" has never made sense to me until now. I once fell for him, though maybe not necessarily love... I mean it in the sense that I felt as if I could have loved him, if we let it grown. But, my paranoia and his unpredictability destroyed that and I built myself up to where he could never break me down.

Now the tables have turned and I find it hard to think. I feel the twinge of joy at the idea that I have you right were I want you, as if I were some predator posing as a house cat. I almost feel like this is my revenge, though I know that's that evil wall I built talking. But, with how things have worked out with the Other, I find it hard to believe I can let myself walk down that path, so, I can only assume I'm subconsciously trying to save myself.

...I have a very strong feeling I'm going to read this tomorrow and be like "WTF was I talking about?"

...anyway. Guilt and Love.
Pain and Lust.
Strength and Weakness.

...I have completely lost my train of thought. I need a smoke.

Winter.

I saw that word again today. Well, it's actually two words. When it's being said, it has no impact on me, but once those words are visually placed in front of me, the second my brain actually realizes the information it's process, it's all over. "FUCK YOU" he said. Never has he spoken to me with such hatred, or with so much carelessness and indifference towards my feelings. Now, I know you were only trying to be the best friend and doing your part in my much needed confidence boost, but once you said "Say to yourself 'My name is [REMY] and 'FUCK YOU'!" I felt a cringe in my body, a tenseness in my soul. And, of course, the deafening emptiness in my broken spirit.

And through all of this, I have you as my best friend and I know you meant no harm in your words. You were trying to help boost me up, without knowing what tore me down. But the pain still lingers, and this night is going by to slow. The darkness and silence is creeping up on me, this evening and I've seemed to have lost all ambitions for solving this crisis.

Have I mentioned that I hate Winter?

Memories.

I thought to myself how I might ask him to tell me his life story again, like he tried to do a few years back. Then I thought about how he might ask me to do the same. I ran my life back through my head and I'm left with the feeling of pain and depression, and a little bit of emptiness. People complain about how negative I am, but after taking a deep look back at my life, I see that my insecurities and depression is well-founded. Everything that's been said and that's happened to me, and all of the crap I put myself through because I thought it was the "norm" has made me a broken person and I fear I can never make up the happiness I've lost out on through all my years alive.

Bi-polar.

And so my days will go by slow, and I will eat to fill the growing emptiness inside. The sun will one day shine on me and I'll find my path in life, but for now I'll stay lost and lick my wounds from this battle lost.

-Siiiiigh-

I hate writing; I always feel so... dumb.
But, it also feel good to have some form of escape other than alcoholism and chain smoking.

I keep reading back on that letter I received, wishing so hard I could have handled everything better. But, he's right. I'm a terrible, horrible person who is mentally ill and diseased and I don't deserve to be around people or have the care of others in my presence.

I've never been insulted over being bi-polar before. I can only assume it's because more people don't attribute my personality to such a disease, but, it was a pretty low blow. And an honest one. I'm naturally destructive of all things good. I'm like a much pettier version of an anti-christ. It's saddening. I'm not sure how to fix myself. I feel as if I'm killed myself trying to make myself better over the years and nothing but losing friends and family has come from it. If no matter what I do, I hurt the people I care about and either chase or push them away, what is it that I can even do? Live alone for the rest of my life? I just don't know what to do anymore.

It's like, as soon as things go well in my life, everything falls apart. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.
What a joke.