Optimism.

It's not often I feel the need to write something positive in a blog of any sort. It's generally a place where my darker and deeper thoughts go to run around. But, it's also not very often you get to repeat a part of your life, but do it properly.

I got my job back at Cricket Communications, which is now under new management. I also got a new 1994 Chevy Silverado (C1500 series). This time last year, I was working at Cricket and just got a new car, but of course, things went south. I have a chance to repeat this and do it right. I have better pay, and more hours than I do at my current job, which I'm easily overjoyed to quit (mainly because I'm about to be fired as it is). And I start school Jan. 20th, and Cricket is willing to be flexible with my hours and give me plenty of time to handle both school and work. I'm very excited. With tax refund season coming soon, and the left over money from my financial aid, I should have enough money to pay my grandma back her 600 dollars, and have enough left over to get a laptop (finally). Things are looking up. I'll be seeing Bryan next week, and Christmas is only a few days away. Now, if I can only fix things with Matt, I'll be at 100%. And the best news of all, I don't feel like killing myself anymore, which, I know disappoints some people, but I think it's time for celebration!

Toy.

A heart is not a play-thing, a heart is not a toy. But if you want it broken, just give it to a boy!

I think in my case, currently, it would be a girl, I.E. myself. But, for rhyming sake, we'll pretend I have a penis. You know, for the sake of artistic writings and nonsensically ramblings and letters to people who will never rea-

I'm off subject. And I've drank incredibly too much coffee... anyway.

I feel guilt rising up in my veins, bubbling like freshly poured soda, burning but still enjoyably as it rinses my insides with it's carbonated poisons. I can see you falling. You're falling very subtly and I catch glimpses of you trying to catch yourself, but ultimately failing. I've, innnocently enough, broken down your walls and infiltrated your defenses. I've broken you, as it was worded and I can see and smell your fear a mile away. The joy of having a toy to play with, the pain of inevitably breaking a heart.

In my defense, I put up a wall against this boy for fear that I would turn out to be less than his expectations had shown me to be. I feared that for all our common ground and understanding that he would reject me and he'd see me as nothing more than another girl in his long list of ex's.

The postsecret I saw months back stating "I wish we could have loved each other at the same time" has never made sense to me until now. I once fell for him, though maybe not necessarily love... I mean it in the sense that I felt as if I could have loved him, if we let it grown. But, my paranoia and his unpredictability destroyed that and I built myself up to where he could never break me down.

Now the tables have turned and I find it hard to think. I feel the twinge of joy at the idea that I have you right were I want you, as if I were some predator posing as a house cat. I almost feel like this is my revenge, though I know that's that evil wall I built talking. But, with how things have worked out with the Other, I find it hard to believe I can let myself walk down that path, so, I can only assume I'm subconsciously trying to save myself.

...I have a very strong feeling I'm going to read this tomorrow and be like "WTF was I talking about?"

...anyway. Guilt and Love.
Pain and Lust.
Strength and Weakness.

...I have completely lost my train of thought. I need a smoke.

Winter.

I saw that word again today. Well, it's actually two words. When it's being said, it has no impact on me, but once those words are visually placed in front of me, the second my brain actually realizes the information it's process, it's all over. "FUCK YOU" he said. Never has he spoken to me with such hatred, or with so much carelessness and indifference towards my feelings. Now, I know you were only trying to be the best friend and doing your part in my much needed confidence boost, but once you said "Say to yourself 'My name is [REMY] and 'FUCK YOU'!" I felt a cringe in my body, a tenseness in my soul. And, of course, the deafening emptiness in my broken spirit.

And through all of this, I have you as my best friend and I know you meant no harm in your words. You were trying to help boost me up, without knowing what tore me down. But the pain still lingers, and this night is going by to slow. The darkness and silence is creeping up on me, this evening and I've seemed to have lost all ambitions for solving this crisis.

Have I mentioned that I hate Winter?

Memories.

I thought to myself how I might ask him to tell me his life story again, like he tried to do a few years back. Then I thought about how he might ask me to do the same. I ran my life back through my head and I'm left with the feeling of pain and depression, and a little bit of emptiness. People complain about how negative I am, but after taking a deep look back at my life, I see that my insecurities and depression is well-founded. Everything that's been said and that's happened to me, and all of the crap I put myself through because I thought it was the "norm" has made me a broken person and I fear I can never make up the happiness I've lost out on through all my years alive.

Bi-polar.

And so my days will go by slow, and I will eat to fill the growing emptiness inside. The sun will one day shine on me and I'll find my path in life, but for now I'll stay lost and lick my wounds from this battle lost.

-Siiiiigh-

I hate writing; I always feel so... dumb.
But, it also feel good to have some form of escape other than alcoholism and chain smoking.

I keep reading back on that letter I received, wishing so hard I could have handled everything better. But, he's right. I'm a terrible, horrible person who is mentally ill and diseased and I don't deserve to be around people or have the care of others in my presence.

I've never been insulted over being bi-polar before. I can only assume it's because more people don't attribute my personality to such a disease, but, it was a pretty low blow. And an honest one. I'm naturally destructive of all things good. I'm like a much pettier version of an anti-christ. It's saddening. I'm not sure how to fix myself. I feel as if I'm killed myself trying to make myself better over the years and nothing but losing friends and family has come from it. If no matter what I do, I hurt the people I care about and either chase or push them away, what is it that I can even do? Live alone for the rest of my life? I just don't know what to do anymore.

It's like, as soon as things go well in my life, everything falls apart. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.
What a joke.

Wishes.

Today is easily the worst day of my life.
Be careful what you wish for.
The end.

Regrets.

I have something special with someone special but I feel as if I can't give my whole heart to him for fear of losing you. You've gone and left, yet again. And I can't even be sure of your reasons are true or just another lie from your cowardice. I have a chance for something new, special; something that sets my heart ablaze with new feelings and experiences... with someone who makes me feel like I can fly and helps me be a better person every day. But even with all of that, I want you. And my logical side says to give you space: if you want to talk to me, you will. But, my other, more dominate, side says to fight and make it known that I care and that I'm here, still. I haven't yet decided a course of action, though I have a nice letter written out in case I decide to let my thoughts be known. But, more than anything, I want to let go of you and move on. I regret letting you back into my life, only to destroy me once more.

Promise.

I don't write much, and I'm not even sure how long I'll keep up an actual blog before I get bored and move on to the next distraction, but, I suppose it doesn't matter. I need a good distraction. The good thing that I just learned it you can have multiple blogs under one account, sort of like starting a new chapter in your life if you've spent time away. Huffah...! Anyway...

Once upon a time...

There was a girl who fell in love with a boy. This boy lived far away over vast valleys of green, oceans of doubt, and streets of death, pollution, violence and disease. He lived in a world much different than her own, but she loved him for his uniqueness, you see, because he was not like those pathetic guys who trotted around her like a prize show-horse. He had strength, passion, and pain in his eyes. He knew the real world.

They would spend hours talking about non-sense and fun-sense, and all-sensings of things exciting. The idea that he may not be there one day never crossed her mind until one day he was gone. He had disappeared like all those poor girls on the crime shows your parents watch on television.

Two years passed without a word. Her life had bought a one-way ticket to Hell without her permission and she was dragged along for the ride into the fiery pits of adulthood. She could only assume he was dead, or hated her for some reason or another, and trust me, she had a list formed. But, she moved on. She always searched for boys that shared a similar trait; a goofy smile, corny jokes, the ability to make her feel loved... but, like with any other creation, you need the right mix to get perfection, and she only found low-self esteem and self-loathing.

And then one day, he was back. Apologies spilled from his mouth like random notes, and she couldn't bare the idea of turning him away now. Words were said that could never be taken back and feelings and hearts were left on the table for the taking. Every day, together, finally, and it was as if time did not exist; as if time had never even passed at all.

He made a promise to never leave again. His love would not turn him into a coward again; he would not run from the fear of pain and heartbreak. He would stay, he would love, and she would be loved.

Where is your promise now, boy?